Meat Candy, Other Delights

Meat Candy

There was no excusing this. There was no logical format in which a justification could be derived. It was the year 2005, and I was living in Salvador Celi, Quito Ecuador. My roommate was Dimitri Villamar, who had never experienced the decadence of Sloppy Joe’s sandwiches.


I was prepared, with a handwritten recipe from North America that called for 1 lbs of hamburger and 2 tbs of brown sugar. Except the person who’d written the recipe had neglected to cross the “t”, making it read “2 lbs brown sugar.” I’m assuming that person was not me, because I’m mostly perfect and never forget to cross my letters.


I know. I know that this made zero sense, that the proportions were as off as bug spray. In my defense, I was basically drunk with exhaustion. This didn’t curb my enthusiasm for making the delicacy, which Villamar viewed suspiciously as I dumped the unheard-of amounts of brown sugar into the stewing meat.


“Won’t it be a little sweet?” He asked.


“Maybe….but that’s what ketchup is for.” I responded, adding half a bottle of ketchup.


I am not sure which is worse: that I actually prepared 1 lbs of hamburger with 2lbs of brown sugar, or that we ate most of it. I can still see Villamar’s face, scrunched up slightly as he said “It’s good, but still seems a little sweet to me.” The next day, the leftovers had caramelized into a brick of candied meat, and I was aghast when I realized my error. Villamar still brings it up, because he’s mean and wants me to feel dumb for the rest of my life for ONE COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE MISTAKE.


On another note, I’ve had a few patients this week who have left their special brands burned into my memory. One was a person whom I didn’t recognize, but he obviously recognized me from the ED and abruptly proceeded to nearly pull his shirt completely off in a very crowded cashier line so that I could look at the “stuff on [his] stomach” and tell him “what to do about it.” Next time, sir, you don’t need to show me and everybody else in line both of your hairy nipples if you have something that’s just near your umbilicus.


A second patient was just adamant that he didn’t have a blood pressure or pulse. I told him a beautiful tale about The Sword in the Stone, how a wizard once told a little boy to use his muscles; the boy insisted “but I don’t have any muscles!” to which the wizard responded, “Well, then how do you move about?!” I’m not sure I convinced the patient he wasn’t dead, but I did get him to eventually go home, so #winning.





It’s time for kid quotes!


Eliana: “Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he didn’t have any Dr. Pepper and he was a girl!” (Steph is obsessed with Diet Dr. Pepper)


Emerson: “Can we get Fortnight?”
    Steph: “No.”
       Emerson: “Jacob and Ethan have it. They also have their own tablets and games and everything else they want.”
            Steph: “Well, that’s them and their family, but not ours. Do you think having all the things you want and all that stuff makes you better or happier?”
                Emerson, dejectedly walking away: “I bet their lives are going better than mine!”


Eliana, concerned for Stephanie: “Mom, those are one-toed boots. You have 5 toes.”