Bringing the Bottom Up

Some lessons I just want to skip. How does one face the truth about himself...about how he thinks, how he acts, even how he feels, and then have the faith to make those changes before those changes force themselves into his life? It's like he's just a shell of the self he thought he was, now riddled with cracks and holes that threaten to eventually collapse. The problem is, he doesn't really know what's inside the shell...is it enough to mold a new self? Or does he have to start from scratch?

After years of insecurity cloaked in a very transparent coating of self-assuredness and boastful selfishness, I suddenly feel the desire to wreck everyone's expectations of me, simply so I can reset my relationships and have a new beginning in life. Maybe my goals in life no longer include higher education; maybe I don't want to be rich. Maybe I don't want to be a spiritual giant, or an athlete, or better in any way than anybody else. Maybe I don't even want to strive for those things. Maybe, just maybe, I want to be good at a few very simple, essential things; I want to get up in the morning and be satisfied with what I have become, with who I am. I want to be satisfied with the progress I can make without crushing the backs of those around me in my efforts to stomp my way to the top. Leadership takes a back seat to simply hoping that my peers will enjoy me working at their side. Excellence falls away to the sheer cliff of consistency, the persistence that keeps patients and people and problems from disaster. Degrees become papers on a wall, the background to the satisfaction of having learned or mastered some new concept or skill that day in a relevant part of my life. Perfection crumbles, leaving a framework on which I can use my mistakes to design the strongest aspects of myself. Praise becomes an opportunity to show appreciation, or give proper credit; to pay it forward, instead of greedily slurping up the results of chance, circumstance, and a little involvement.

So, I'm bringing the bottom up. Life is always long enough to fall in love with it, and if there's one thing that I know is worth it, it's falling in love.