Monster Squirrels

So, we now have a little cucumber and tomato plant (well, actually that would be two plants….I’m not sure they sell the hybrid version) growing in our old laundry bucket out back. I still need to poke holes in the bottom to prevent root rot, but I’m having trouble convincing myself that it is acceptable to destroy the water-holding capacity of such a nice, faithful bucket; it has served me and my car on many an occasion. Ahh, the sadness to see it go! It’s like neutering your dog….you know he’ll still be your dog, but some things may never be the same!

I read on an extremely good website (ehow.com) that tomatoes need 6-8 hours of sunlight per day to maintain optimal growth, and I think that I must be a distant relative of the tomato plant. I mean, I actually think that I need closer to 10 hours of sunlight per day to maintain optimal-ness, but unfortunately I spend most of my time squeezed into a desk, trying to prevent the uncomfortable feeling of having the circulation in my legs cut off right above the knee for hours at a time. If I die of a blood clot, it was because whoever designed the seats at Regis University must have grown up attending a school that drove him insane with its terrible seating. This designer is now sitting in a LaZ-Boy somewhere, heaving great guffaws about how miserable he has made the lives of thousands of over-studied, over-charged, and over-SAT students at Regis. I hope his LaZ-Boy makes him morbidly obese and that he dies of complications related to GERD (I have GERD).

Anyway, I’m watching the sunrise and this monster squirrel is climbing the fencepost outside of our house. Colorado does not grow normal squirrels; these are mutant killer squirrels. I am constantly being startled by their violent jabbering on campus, and I swear the other day one JUMPED at me from his tree! They’re like those rabbits in Monte Python, you know the ones that are huge and end up eating the knights and killing them by biting their jugular veins? These squirrels are going to do the same thing. Where are all of the predatory animals when you need them? HELLO, WE HAVE A SQUIRREL PROBLEM!

So, in lieu of something constructive, I leave you to ponder the meaning of life, especially since we know that at any moment the squirrels could unite, attack, and leave us gasping for air as our jugular veins bleed. In the end, we’ll be lying on our backs in an acorn-chip-strewn field, staring up as the evil squirrels gather ‘round and gaze their monstrous faces into our eyes.

P.S. Don’t come to Colorado. Run for your lives.