In Disbelief (April 26th, 2021; May 23rd, 2021)

April 26, 2021 It is hard feeling like the most dishonest part of my life is directly related to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I can be honest in my career field, with my patients, with my business dealings, with my children, and with my spouse in most areas. But I can’t be honest in my beliefs. Well, I can be honest. I simply choose not to. I choose to generally not discuss my doubts with my wife. I choose to mostly be silent regarding my near-absolute disbelief in truth claims from the church, formed over the past seven years of my own personal study and research. Ironically, I’m a talker, and yet I constantly close the lid on my personal litany of LDS misgivings. My wife is an amazing person but I acknowledge we are not in the same space. She has consistently vocalized that she does not believe in nor care about the problematic history of the church, and sometimes subconsciously stereotypes those who choose to distance themselves from the LDS faith. I recently asked her if it would matter to her if Joseph Smith turned out to not have been a prophet; she responded with a solid “No.” I admit that I am occasionally envious of her ability to not be bothered by church history. Ultimately, though, she is much more important to me than my views of the church. In other words, if this is her faith and it makes her happy, I have no desire to tear it down. I would attend with her and continue to live most of the LDS lifestyle for as long as necessary. I try to engage her in seeing a more charitable view of those who disengage from traditional Mormonism. I objectively share church history with her and bring up opposing views in a non-challenging format. My attempts to be patient have gradually shown progress, and I’ve seen her views soften and enlarge in myriad ways. She is very close with her family, a large group from a small town in central Utah. I love them as family, but acknowledge they embody some of the questionable rural Utah church culture that tends to fill me with revulsion and discomfort; my wife has gradually rejected more and more of those tendencies and has expressed satisfaction at doing so. After many years serving as YM/Sunday school/EQ president, I will no longer accept callings that would require emphatic devotion (i.e., bishopric, etc.). Some topics I indirectly decline to teach, focusing instead on Christlike attributes and embracing concepts of service and personal responsibility. Perhaps this sounds odd for some, but I still want to be allowed to fully participate while being authentic. I want to work with the youth or adults; I love to teach, love to serve, and want to help my children be involved while still allowing them to grow up with as much accurate information as possible. I don’t mind that leaders are imperfect, and I don’t mind disagreeing with some other members’ views. I suppose I want to belong to a church that doesn’t want to make me believe in anything besides God (still figuring out what that really means to me). I want to participate without fitting a mold. I want to be an example to others without being the expected example. I want my friendships and involvement to not be contingent on professing belief in something I can no longer believe. In short, I wish I could display my disbelief without the implication of disownment. May 23rd, 2021 Today, I accepted a new calling as Teachers Quorum Advisor; my son will be a teacher at the end of this year. I am trying to live more authentically, so this is what I emailed my bishop (also a good friend of mine, just a year younger than I) afterwards: "Dear *****, I met with [2nd counselor] today and accepted the calling offered. I would love to be an Advisor for the Teachers quorum and think that I have a lot of dedication, love, guidance, and experience to give to the youth. Before you sustain me, I'm going to clarify some things so that you know what to expect from me: 1. I don't teach or bear testimony of the historicity or truth claims of the church as my personal views; if I do address them, I do so as accurately as possible and present them as the positions taken by the LDS faith. 2. I do not participate in any teachings or traditions that I personally consider potentially harmful, damaging, or inconsistent with my understanding of Christ's gospel. 3. My leadership style is servant leadership with a high focus on individuals, mentorship, love, acceptance, kindness, forgiveness, personal responsibility, and actively seeking faith in Jesus Christ through meaningful social, spiritual, physical, and intellectual ways. If you are okay with this, then I very much look forward to being a part of the youth program once again! I completed the Youth Safety Training today and will wait to be sustained before joining the youth activities. Love, Ben" I hadn't shared my faith journey with the bishop yet. My wife read the email with pursed lips and a furrowed brow and didn't say a word about it afterwards. I don't exactly know what I'm looking for by sharing this....I am desperately trying to communicate that I want to serve, while also not pretending to have a devout conviction I no longer possess. I'm not sure it's possible to have my cake and eat it too. **UPDATE He responded with understanding and told me they were excited to have me. I am feeling really good about it.